The Yellow Deli Saga

Some folks say that yesterday’s Photo from the Past was a bit controversial, and maybe it was, but not as controversial as The Yellow Deli Saga. It provoked My First Angry Reader!

Originally Posted 20may2009

So I have my first Angry Reader. Or at least the first who has confronted me in public anyway.

This past Sunday I was confronted by a worker/member/follower of the Yellow Deli. Last October I had taken a picture with her and her daughter and had lovingly referred to her daughter as my “Cult Girlfriend”.

I made jokes about Laura Ingalls and how we met on CultHarmony.com.

Read about it by clicking on the photo below.

NOTE: I have replaced their faces with Laura Ingalls’ face so as to not offend them again.

Anyway, she came up to me and let me know she was none to happy that I had said she was in a cult.

It went kind of like this:

SETUP: My mom and I were down at The Chattanooga Market hanging out and we were looking for something to eat. We went to the back corner where most of the food was. There was music playing on the stage and we were listening to it while talking over what to get. I said something about my cult girlfriend’s mom being at the Yellow Deli and just as I did she looked up. I told my mom it looked like she was looking at me.

Then she started walking towards us and I made a joke about her coming over to say hi. I looked up at the stage for a couple of seconds and looked back in her direction and she was staring right at me and she looked kind of upset.

I said to my mom, “I think she is coming to talk to me. And she looks mad. Crap, I knew I should have worn those puffy pants.”

That was a joke about the pants they wear. It was funny to my mom.

Anyway, she walked right up to me and we had this conversation:

Her: You aren’t going to eat at the Yellow Deli are you, you know that’s a cult….

Me: You do have delicious sweet tea.

Her: (not amused she continued) I can’t believe you took a photo of me and then said I was in a cult.

Me:(confused as to what was happening) Huh?

Her: I am so offended! SOOO OFFENDED!

Me: (at first off guard but then catching my mental breath) I’m sorry…. but you know why I said that, right… I mean, everyone says that… that was part of the joke…

Her: I am just so offended! I can’t believe you did that!

Me: (not knowing what to say and not wanting to get into a giant argument with Laura Ingalls’ mom I tried to pacify her) Well, I’m sorry you are offended.

Her: I just can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe it. It is so offensive.

Me: (still wanting to end the conversation) Well, thanks for reading my site…

Annoyed at me she stormed off.

I feel like his issue was not resolved for her, and that she is still upset with me. So I feel like I should publicly apologize to her, and explain why I made the cult jokes.

First of all, I am very sorry… I thought you knew you were in a cult.

I base this on the fact that…. you lived communally, turned over all your worldly possessions to The Yellow Deli, wore baggy Laura Ingalls pants, and changed your name from Cindy to a Hebrew Hippy name aka “cult name”.

Secondly, I did not say you were in a cult…. reporters, religious leaders, and concerned parents said you were a cult. I was only quoting “common knowledge” calling you a cult, kind of like saying “chocolate is delicious” or “lefthanded people eat babies.” That’s just common knowledge.

That I am quoting.

Here are some links including Wikipedia.com, which we all know is the most reliable source of information on the interweb, that talk about the cultage of The Yellow Deli. Of course you can just google “Yellow Deli” and see what pops up.

WIKIPEDIA

TIMES FREE PRESS

CULT NEWS

I mean… you made “cult news”…. I’m just saying…

But, again, I am not calling you a cult, I am simply quoting common knowledge and making a joke based on that.

I am sorry that you were offended and I hope that you will continue to read my site. I mean it’s kind of cool to be able to say that I have a “Cult” Following….

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

 

Yes. Gollywhoppers, not Yellow Deli. I tried to get Yellow Deli to sponsor Today’s Photo, but they declined. And REbanned me from their restaurant. 

You should eat at Gollywhoppers because they are awesome and delicious and definitely addictive. If need be you should sell all of your possessions and move in and live there, it’s that good. Wait… 

 

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Not Everyone Uses It… But Maybe They Should

Originally Posted 06oct2009

As you all know, the Lakeview Fort Olgethorpe Cheerleaders have been in the news lately because of the signs they have made for the football players to run through. They even made Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live!

They made the papers, they made the news, they even made SNL, but my favorite thing they made was this sign they put in front of their school:

“Warrior Natioin Under God”

Yeah… NATIOIN.

And here’s how I think this happened:

LFO Cheerleader 1: Hey Brittany, how do you spell “nation”? Is it “io” or “oi”?

Brittany: Both, I think.

aaaaaand scene!

People are freaking out about Separation of Church and State, but I think they should be more concerned with the apparent Separation of Spelling and State.

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

 

Not everyone uses it… but maybe they should.

Only 4 more days until 11.11.11

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Things I Do For A T-Shirt #21

Originally Posted 22feb2010

I started the Aspire Program at Bryan College tonight because Community on NBC and Chevy Chase have shown me that eccentric old men CAN go back to school and make something of themselves.

It’s a tradition in my family to take a picture of yourself the first day of school, and even though I am in 37th grade, I’m keeping the tradition alive.

(I think it turned out way better than my First Day of School in 2nd Grade.)

And just think, I was voted “Best Dressed” in Kindergarten and 1st Grade…

I can’t remember how that first day of school went -I’m sure I have it repressed for a reason so I’ll not try to revive it- but I do know that tonight went great! Aaaaaand I got a t-shirt!

I do a lot of things just to get the t-shirt, I guess finishing college is one of those things now.

BONUS PHOTO

People who have seen my First Day of School 2nd Grade picture have said they would like to see more of it… so here you go!

First Day of School 37th 2nd Grade

Okay, so maybe it was just Ashley…

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

 

If you are thinking of completing your degree, but are shy and nervous that if you go to ITT Technical Institute they will make you do a commercial when you get done, then I can definitely recommend going to Bryan College. It is the best decision I have ever made.*

*I am both an actual student and an actor portrayal.

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Bubba Gump Pumpernickel Farm

Originally Posted 01dec2010

My favorite thing to learn is something I taught someone else and then forgot. That happened today. Bill Mack came in talking to me about something I had in a quiz I did one time during staff devotion. It was about Pumpernickel Bread.

This is Pumpernickel Bread:

It’s a little blurry because some old lady bumped me with her buggy while I was taking a picture, but still, you get it. It is a dark bread that costs $3.99 at the Bi-Lo. While normally in bread form, it is actually very versatille. There are pumpernickel crackers and pumpernickel bagels and even pumpernickel pudding and pumpernickel beer.

But that wasn’t what the trivia was about. It was about what the name “pumpernickel” means. I made it multiple choice for them, so I will make it multiple choice for you.

What does “pumpernickel” mean?

A. Bread for Nicole

B. Panned Wheat Bread

C. Monkey’s Wheat Foot

D. Bread of Norway

E. Devil’s Fart

Do your best to try and guess without looking at Wikipedia. The winner receives one loaf of Bi-Lo Pumpernickel Bread that you can make into crackers or pudding or even beer!

Good LUCK!

Compare your answer with the correct answer by clicking on the link below:

ANSWER

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

If you are going to be buying some pumpernickel bread this holiday season, I recommend you buy it from Bi-Lo. If you are going to buy regular bread, I can also recommend you buy it from Bi-Lo. If you are going to buy Amish Friendship Bread, I can recommend, well, actually, you probably can’t find that at Bi-Lo.

Special thanks to Bi-Lo and Bi-Lo Charities for Helping us with Lunch with Luther and giving us an awesome deal on turkeys allowing us to build more Thanksgiving Boxes for Hamilton County Kids.

 
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At Least Their Motto Isn’t “It Won’t Cost You An Arm and A Leg… Well…”

Originally Posted 21may2009

Okay, so your last name is “Stubbs” and you have a passion for making prosthetic limbs, I can give you that much. But as you were trying to figure out a name for your company no one tried to steer you away from “Stubbs Prosthetics”?

Really? I mean, Stubbs….. Really??? I think “Petey the Pirate’s Peg Leg Emporium” might have been less inappropriate.

 

If you ever have any trouble with your iPhone or iPad or iPod or any other iDevice, iDefinitely recommend Donald down at iFixie. He is awesome and can fix anything. He is faster and cheaper than any of the big box stores, plus he is right across from Urban Stack so it is built in excuse to get an awesome burger.

Ashley: My iPhone is messed up, I called Donald and he said to bring it down today at 4 and he would look at it an…

Me: That is awesome, I have been craving Urban Stack!

 
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Let’s Get a Physical… Physical… Physical

Originally Posted 09oct2009

Since Ashley and I got engaged there have been a more than the normal amount of CarFax commercials on, which has gotten Ashley to thinking…

If it is such a big deal to check out what might or might not be wrong with a car you are about to buy, how much more important is to get a “CarFax” for your future husband?

A fairly big deal, is what she decided.

So today I went and got a yearly physical at Dr Crazy Hair Pirate Ship‘s office. He is the coolest doctor ever, I’d like to state that upfront, even if he made me come in at 7 am on my day off.

My favorite part about Dr Pirate Ship is his unconventionality which at this point does not even include the fact that his office is decorated like a pirate ship. I have never had a real yearly physical, in fact, the last “physical” I got was in high school and I’m pretty sure my mom just got her dentist to  sign the sheet of paper my school required.

I called my mom and found out her dentist has retired, which is how I ended up at Dr Pirate Ship’s office at 7am on my day off.

“You don’t have Signa do you? I hate them.” was the first thing he said to me as he unlocked his front door.

“Uhh, no… UnitedHealthcare or something, I think, but not Signa… why?”

“I hate them, they never pay when they are supposed to if they pay at all, they are all crooks and I don’t take it anymore.”

I don’t know if he was watching Michael Moore’s latest movie “Sicko” on the DVD player in his convertible on the way in or if he was just usually fired up about insurance companies, including mine which he only sort of hated, but I didn’t want to get into that discussion at 7:03am so I just nodded and agreed.

He led me back to an examination room, pointed to a chair, grabbed my chart, and as he sat down in his said, “How tall are you? …5’10″?”

“Uhh, no… 5’6″,” I  said.

“You’re a pretty healthy fella huh? How much do you weigh?”

“Uhh, about… 160, 165ish maybe?…” I answered looking over at the scale about 2 feet from us.

“Okay, great,” he said. “Have you had a temperature lately?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, we can skip that then,” he said flipping to the next page.

Maybe I should have gone to my mom’s retired dentist afterall…

He did end up taking my blood pressure, which strangely enough ended up being a little high.

“Have you been stressed lately?” he asked.

Thinking, Uhh, right now… I said, “Yeah, you know, maybe a little bit.”

He said, “Well we should give you an EKG.”

I said, “What does that do?”

“It shows your heartbeat.”

Excited to keep the real testing going I took off my shirt like he said. He hooked me up to a bunch of wires that he had retrieved from the freezer and said after looking at a print out that my heartbeat was good and then he led me into another room where I was going to get an x-ray of my chest and lungs.

He told me to leave my shirt off and got me to put on a lead apron backwards and then he went behind a wall with a little tinted window in it. For what seemed like 5 minutes I stood without a shirt wearing a crazy mix of a paula deen apron and a bulletproof vest, backwards, when he poked his head out from behind the wall and said, “Hey, do you know very much about computers?”

And just for the record, I ended up with a clean bill of health and a little sheet of signed paper saying I had “Zero New Cavities”.

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

If you are down at the Chattanooga Market get some of Mrs. Gladys’ Fudge.

Take it from me, I have a fudge drawer.

 
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Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow… and 15 minutes on Wrinkle Release

Originally Posted on 08may2010

People always ask me how Princess Prissy McPurrsalot is always so fluffy.

I always say, “Meow Mix.”

And a few minutes on the fluff cycle.

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

They say that every dog will have his day. Well, today could be the day your best friend learns just how much you appreciate his or her unwavering loyalty… At The Ark Pet Spa and Hotel on Dayton Blvd and now with a NEW location on East Brainerd Road!

 
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Eleven Ways To Know If The Trick or Treaters Coming To Your House Are Too Old

*If the beard of their Jack Sparrow costume is a real beard, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they drove themselves to your neighborhood, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they ask if you have any sugar-free candy because their blood sugar is spiking, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they are dressed as a vampire, they are too old to be trick or treating because let’s face it, little kids don’t know what vampires are. You can barely get them to eat their vegetables, there is no way you can convince them that eating someone else’s blood is going to be fun, ratherless convince them to dress up like one of those crazy people for Halloween.

*If their voice cracks while they are saying “trick or treat,” they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If their costume is prefaced with “slutty” –slutty nurse, slutty vampire, slutty elmo- they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If, instead of the classic plastic pumpkin, they are using a rolling suitcase to carry their candy, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they don’t bother to dress up and don’t bother to say “trick or treat” and just ring your doorbell and hold out a plastic Wal*Mart bag, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they are requesting certain candy from your candy bowl, for example: “Trick or Treat… Oh hey, can I have that Butterfinger?”… they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they have to have a cane as part of their costume and they aren’t even pretending to be some kind of rapper, they are too old to be trick or treating.

*If they are dressed as a hobo, they are too old to be trick or treating. (NOTE: Unless they are an actual hobo, give them candy. You should always give a hobo candy, no matter what the day of the year because those guys have a hard life and carry everything they own in a handkerchief on the end of a stick.)

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

 
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Different Strokes for Different Folks

Originally Posted 10 June 2009

Click to Enlarge

So I’m guessing that one person in this family is a little less active than the others…

 

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

 
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A Book, Bathroom, and a Bed and Breakfast

Alright, the countdown to 11.11.11 has started! Over the next 11 days I’ll be sharing photos from the last couple of years to get you all in the groove again. Today’s photo is from a trip Ashley and I took almost a year ago. Enjoy!

ORIGINALLY POSTED 30nov2010

Today is rained a lot in Chattanooga. A lot. It was flooding streets and swelling creeks. It started before daylight and didn’t end until after dark, and I loved it. I love the rain. The rain is my favorite. I could live in a rainforest (if they had cable and Wi-Fi). I love the rain.

I just love to go to the bookstore in the rain. I love to drink coffee and look at books and just relax and listen to the rain and the guys playing dungeons and dragons on their laptops in the cafe.

Today Ashley was excited to show me a book she had seen when we were in Rome this weekend. (We were in Rome, GA not Rome, Italy, although I’m sure the Barnes and Noble is pretty much the same either place.) It was this book:

Click to Enlarge

Yup… that’s exactly what it looks like. It guides you in how to handle almost any “situation.” Except for maybe this one:

Click to Enlarge

The Most Awkward Public Restroom Ever.

This is an actual bathroom in a local funeral home in North Georgia. I guess they figure that most people there visiting will know each other, but call me old fashioned, I prefer my privacy. I know that Jesus is everywhere and I may not be a very good Baptist minister for saying it, but I would like to think that even He has the courtesy to wait outside while I’m taking care of business in the bathroom.

BONUS PHOTO:

ORIGINALLY POSTED 25OCT2009

Today for lunch we went with Hope and Chad to Good Dog down by Coolidge Park. It is a new hotdog place with fancy hotdogs like the “Fred Dog” and “Weiss’s New York Street ‘Dirty Water’ Dog”. Ashley and I both made up a dog we called “The Kenny Rogers Dog”. It is a chili dog with jalapenos, cheese, and sour cream. (Hot and cheesy with a streak of pure white like The Gambler’s beard.)

While I was there I had to go to the bathroom and it too was fancy. It had a “waiting room” with a hip and trendy chair to sit in while the guy ahead of you finished up.

And well… you will just have to click HERE to see the photos and read the rest of it.

Today’s Photo Brought To You By:

The Economy Honda Superstore

If you are in the market for a new or used car, I can personally recommend Economy Honday Supercenter! Last month Ashley and I went there “just to look” and walked away with the perfect car for the perfect price. We are now the proud owners of a gold Honda Accord that we have named Goldie Honda. If you go, ask for Don and tell him Kevin sent you!

 

 

 
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