Good KleeN Fun

Today Tony asked me to clean the popcorn popper. Popcorn poppers are the fish tanks of the corn world so I wasn’t all that excited about cleaning it. We have been out of the cleaner for a few weeks so the gunk has really built up. We got new cleaner in today so as Tony ran errands and worked on other things I began to clean the popcorn popper.

What I used was KleeN Sweep. Yes, it has one giant N for no apparent reason. It is basically just a superduper degreaser. So like any red-blooded American man I grabbed the can, the popcorn popper innards and I took them into the sink in the back closet room area and I sprayed the bejesus out of it.

And then, lightheaded from the fumes and waiting on the superduper degreaser to do its magic, I read the back label. It said, and I quote:

KleeN Sweep is a powerful gel that dissolves grease and carbon buildup from metal surfaces, brick, and glass. KleeN Sweep works quickly and easily saving time and labor.

Heck YES! I remember thinking, Tony has given me this crap responsibility but it is going to turn out to be easy-breezy and I will have plenty of time to make it to the store for some Q-tips. I was out of Q-tips, it has absolutely nothing to do with the story I was just really hoping to have time to go to the store for Q-tips before my soccer game.

And then I continued reading,

DIRECTIONS

SHAKE WELL BEFORE USING. Wear rubber gloves and protective eye gear. Be sure appliance is cool and dry. Spray KleeN Sweep generously, holding can 8 to 10 inches from the surface. Do not get on skin, paint, floors, walls or plastic tile. Leave KleeN Sweep on appliance for 15 minutes to 5 hours. Test with small wooden stick to see if carbon…

Wait, what? I thought. My mind was working a little slower because of the fumes and I didn’t really catch all I was reading at first so I read again, “Wear rubber gloves and protective eye gear.” Ehh, that’s just something they say because they have to, I thought. “Be sure appliance is cool and dry. Spray KleeN Sweep blah, blah, blah… Do not get on skin, paint, floors, walls….” Wait, WHAT?? Don’t get on skin, paint or FLOORS??? Huh? Wait, what is this stuff???

The fumes were really starting to get to me at this point, I was getting more lightheaded and I suddenly felt like I was in that scene from Black Sheep where Chris Farley and David Spade were driving and the nitrous oxide tank leaks into the car. I was like “road… rude…ru-AD…roo-ad…ROW-ads…rudezz…HOLY CRAP WE’RE STONED!”

My tongue was tingling and my lungs felt like someone had reached in and slathered them down with Vicks Vapor Rub. I felt like my breath was from that gum commercial where when you breathe out things around you get frozen. The gunk was being superduper degreased while at the same time I was being poisoned through every orifice.

I walked out of the room and went over to Chad who was working on his sermon for Wednesday night and said, “I think I might die.”

He said, “Okay.” because we have a very loving and caring friendship.

I said, “I think I might have… wait, stand back, I don’t want to freeze you… I think I might have breathed in too much of that stuff.”

“What is it?” he said.

“KleeN Sweep with a big N,” I said, not really trying to be funny, thinking that I better give him as much detail as possible in case I passed out.

“‘Kleen Sweep with a big N’??” he said as he laughed.

“Yes,” I said upset he didn’t think this was serious. “I feel like I have breathed in poison,” I told him as I breathed out really deep and hard thinking I could rid my lungs of it.

“What is that stuff?”

“Superduper degreaser that you are supposed to leave on 15 minutes to 5 hours.”

“15 minutes to 5 hours???” he repeated as he laughed thinking I was joking again.

“No really, that’s what it says, ’15 minutes to 5 hours.’ That’s the kind of product we are dealing with here.” And then I hugged him and said, “I love you, man.”

To which his response was, “Huh?”

I said, “I love you, man. I just want to tell you that just in case.”

He said, “In case you die.” And laughed.

NOTE: We don’t handle serious situations seriously. Were we ever to get our legs chopped off at the local mall as we were lying there waiting on the ambulance we would make several jokes that would make those around us very uncomfortable. But they would make us laugh and really, we would be the ones with our legs chopped off so at that point it would kinda be all about us anyway.

“I keep breathing out really hard thinking I can get it out of my lungs,” I said as I breathed out hard again. “You know how if you drink something poisonous you induce vomiting or eat bread or something… I want to breathe in bread. I know that my esophagus and my bronchial tubes are different and I know that sounds weird but I think I would be better if I could just inhale bread and let it just soak up all the poison in my lungs.”

“I think there’s some cinnamon rolls over there left over from Sunday,” Chad said not even looking up from his computer.

“Maybe I should drink milk,” I said.

I was walking around still doing the hard breathing out thing like a cat with a hairball stuck in its throat picking up random things thinking I might be able to MacGyver something up to feel better. As I picked up a mustard packet, a styrofoam cup and a pencil I said to Chad, “Mango Habanero wings and huffing KleeN Sweep is probably not the best way to get ready for my soccer game tonight…”

“Yeah, probably not,” he said looking up at me and laughing seeming to appreciate my dying which provided a bit of a break in his afternoon work.

I poured a glass of orange juice because I couldn’t find milk and took a sip. “I don’t even like Sunny Delight to tell you the truth,” I told Chad I guess thinking if I am going out I didn’t want him thinking I did. It’s weird what you do and say when you think you are gonna die.

I continued to wonder around HHUUUUUUHHHHing and HHEEEEEEEing somehow thinking that if I breathed just right I could birth the poisonous fumes right out of my lungs.

“I’m gonna meet Paul Barys high,” talking about Maggie’s dad who was gonna be at the soccer game but sounding completely ridiculous to anyone not knowing that.

“What???” Chad said as he looked up from his screen laughing still enjoying the fact that I was loopy thinking that maybe I was just putting together ridiculous verbs and nouns like my side of the conversation was some kind of reading back of a random MadLibs.

“I feel like there are Smurfs riverdancing on my eyeballs,” I said back to him in response, continuing, “I need protective eye gear.”

He laughed which made me laugh and for some reason I began putting on some rubber gloves I had found. I pulled 6 or 7 paper towels off the roll and began to tie a makeshift face mask to protect my nose and mouth as I went back into the back closet room to check the progress. It had been about 20 minutes, which was at the lower end of the 15 minutes to 5 hour window I was given on the KleeN Sweep can but I wanted to see how much of the gunk had been removed, in the back of my mind knowing that the same amount had probably been removed from the lining of my lungs.

Chad hollered at me, “Hey man, I think I am going to go home and check on Shepherd.” Shepherd is his 6 month old baby who has had an off and on stomach virus thing for a few days and someone I think he should love and care about… but I was dying a slow high death before his eyes. Even still, a good friend till the end I said, “Okay, let me know if you need anything.”

The next few minutes I spent scrubbing the popcorn popper with a giant green scrubby pad still breathing in the fumes from underneath my makeshift gas mask which instead of protecting me was only succeeding in making my tingling nose and lips all sweaty.

I sprayed more of the KleeN Sweep on the popcorn popper innards because at this point I figured if I was going out that at least I was gonna leave the world with a superduper degreased popcorn popper. I walked out of the back closet room and seemed to kind of wander around. For some reason I left my rubber latex gloves and paper towel mask on, not realizing how ridiculous I must look. Looking back it would have been funny had a neighboring office looked in through the windows and seen me wandering around and called the police thinking I was a burglar or something.

There’s no telling what I would have said to the police but I am sure it would have included something crazy about breathing in bread which would surely have gotten me thrown in the nut house. I waited around for a few more minutes before I decided that with a window as loose as ’15 minutes to 5 hours’ a few more hours couldn’t hurt, so I took off my hazmat suit and packed my bag up to go. I debated whether or not I should make and drink a cup of coffee to sober me up before I drove home, but then figuring I only lived on the next street over, about a 200 yards as the crow flies I cranked my Jeep and drove through the woods home.

The moral of this story: The next time you go to the movies and the concession stand guy is laughing and carrying on and seeming to have way more fun with his job than he should, take a quick glance at the clean popcorn machine and just know, there’s probably a reason…

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4 Responses to “Good KleeN Fun”

  1. Photo of the Day- 08september2008 « KevinTheCoolGuy.com Says:

    […] « Photo of the Day- 07september2008 Good KleeN Fun […]

  2. maggie Says:

    I am never eating popcorn from a popcorn stand again. ever.

  3. Mamamia Says:

    Ooh, wonder how the popcorn tastes now. You’re kiddos at church are gonna be getting high off the popcorn…. ha
    I laughed out loud quietly so as not to make Lavender wonder what’s up.

  4. Kristyl Roberts Says:

    In your honor, I refused to pay the bill for the KleeN Sweep!!

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