Today I Got New Used Tires

My 5 year famous plan is going pretty well. Lately people have been recognizing me. When I am eating lunch. When I am getting my oil changed. When I am at the Homeless Fair.

I know what you are thinking, homeless people are recognizing you? Well, I know it seems they shouldn’t be my target audience, but as you remember, my DVD is more than just a DVD. It is a great coaster… it doubles as a picture frame…it makes a great babysitter! etc, etc, etc.

Anyway, I know you might think being famous with homeless people might not be a very good start but think about this… do you think Brad Pitt was famous all over the world first, or do you think he was probably famous with homeless people first?


Anyway, since I am becoming famous I figured I better take better care of my vehicle. I know what you are thinking, Well that is logical.

And it is! I have been needing 2 new front tires for a while now so today I went to the used tire store to get them.

The first used tire store I went to was a used tire store and a travel agency. They didn’t have the tires I needed but they booked me for a trip up the road to a place that did.

The place that did only had a set of 4 which they wouldn’t separate. I didn’t need 4 plus 2 of the ones in the set looked worse than the ones I had. I moved on to the next place. And the next place. And the next place… until I got to Bruce’s place.

Bruce said he had the tires I needed and agreed to sell them to me at a higher price than the other places had quoted (I am not very good at negotiating or bartering on stuff like this).

He said, “You can have these for $42 a piece.”

I said, “The other places are charging $28.”

He said, “Well these are $42.”

I said, “Great, I’ll take ’em!”

He told me I could go inside and have a seat while he put them on.

When I got inside I was the only one there. Except a bird. There was a giant bird, in a cage with no sides, in a room with no door. The bird was white with black smudges all over it. It didn’t talk to me but it did kinda bounce around to the classic rock blaring on the radio.

I looked around to see where I might could sit down.

There was the couch.


The recliner.


And this… “chair.”


So I decided to stand.

I was talking to the bird and kind of exploring. I saw a Rodney Dangerfield collectible doll that talked.


It said all his catchphrases like “I don’t get no respect” and “I tell ya… I tell ya'” and “Please take me out of this Godforsaken place.”

The place really was pretty dirty. The floors, the walls, the bathroom… they were all white with black smudges all over them just like the bird.


Which was kind of ironic because there were a surprising number of cleaning supplies lying around.






A little more irony…

As if the Rodney Dangerfield doll and the couch and the posters on the wall didn’t give it away that this place was behind the times, this calendar definitely did.


The calendar says August 2008, but the Atari computer keyboard in the floor says August 1982. Even though Nu 2 U Tires might be a bit behind the times doesn’t mean their other customers are. So I left my business card on the cork board along with the others.


I know, I know, I know, being famous with homeless people is luxurious. But enough about all that, I guess I should show you my new tires. And I guess I should mention that since I just got 2 new used tires I got Bruce to put the 2 new used ones on one side and the 2 old ones on the other.

Famous AND smart!

Well, maybe not “smart”. And “famous” among homeless people. But seriously, they do look pretty good.

Driver’s Side


The close up


Now the passenger side…


and the close up


Okay, so, admittedly, each side is noticeably different.

But when are you ever gonna see both sides at the same time? And if you happen to remember what the tires on the driver’s side look like enough to notice they are different from the ones on the passenger’s side then you obviously aren’t homeless and don’t know who I am anyway.

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3 Responses to “Today I Got New Used Tires”

  1. Tracy Says:

    Not only are you weird, but weirdness finds you. Or I guess maybe you find it. Anyway, thanks for another belly laugh, Cool Guy.

  2. Emily Says:

    Two pictures of swiffer cleaning supplies and not one of the bird? I mean, I love Swiffer as much as anyone (actually more since I have the biggest messiest dogs on the planet. To be honest, I’m slightly obsessed with the Sweep & Vac…) but really?

  3. Liza Says:

    That couch is disgusting!

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